Revisions for a scene; based on feedback

Emma Kent, Revised Script for a scene.

The feedback for my revision was helpful. It was true; the scene I chose does not have a clear, singular protagonist.  The feedback also shares that I should try adding more dialogue and action lines to characterize Delvin, which would help establish him as a clear protagonist.  I did add more action lines and more dialogue.

I chose this scene to establish the moment when Octavia hears Delvin’s voice. She does not meet him in this scene; she only hears his voice, which brings her to tears. She also is not aware that he is dating her daughter.

The feedback I received also stated that Octavia should have something the audience can identify with and something that could clarify her role.  I told a bit more of her story within her dialogue.

The feedback stated that the scene does not have a clear, external antagonist and obstacle. The reason the obstacle is not clear is that this is not the scene where this happens.

Feedback stated that there is a hint of an impediment to the voiceover about Delvin’s girlfriend’s brother, but it is unclear how this is a problem. I rewrote his voice over to make it more transparent.

The feedback stated that perhaps this obstacle would be evident if Delvin and Octavia were to have a confrontation. They will eventually have an encounter just not in this scene. I also rewrote my voice over as dialogue, which was a critique as it related to the 20 script list.